AntiArtificial Insemination
by ChronicallyinFlaming
Summary: Written for the dragonball kink meme. Genderbent!Vegeta is unable to hear past the sound of her biological clock, and in order to continue to make sure her race continues, has to recruit the last Saiyan male. Chi-Chi ends up helping.


The prompt:

This anon is looking for genuine genderbent Vegeta. No mpreg, no Dragonball shenanigans, Vegeta was born female. And she still kicks just as much ass.

So the prompt is thus: after the Namek incident, Vegeta finds herself the last Saiyan left in the universe (or so she thinks). When Goku finally meanders his way back to Earth, her biological clock chooses that moment to give her a hard kick to the face. He's got the last set of Saiyan genes, and she's going to see her race continued, regardless of what he's got to say on the matter.

Only problem is Chichi finds out Vegeta's plan, and she's not about to take this lying down. However, Vegeta manages to appeal to her maternal instinct and even rope her into the scheme. So both ladies take it upon themselves to get Goku into bed for a night of group sex. Kinks include femdom and animalistic sex. Bonus points for a largely inexperienced Vegeta and a sexually aggressive Chichi.

The fill:

* * *

(It was almost disturbingly easy how simple it was to write Vegeta as a female. Hell, Vegeta's always Vegeta. You could make him a turtle, and he would still be Vegeta)

(And I didn't even need to change the name)

The annoying blue-haired lady with the large breasts had ordered her out again, and Vegeta found herself unwilling to argue about it. She just took the list and the handful of strange Earth currency and followed the ranting woman's directions. It was easier to nod and try to tune her out, as the earthling's boyfriend was always doing.

"And don't fly! Just walk!"

"Fine, fine," she nodded her head and wandered away with a headache from the domed building. Maybe all this time on Earth was making her soft. Then again, the list included her favorite brand of potato chips. It would be worth the sacrifice of an evening spent training and trying to avoid the television. The blue-haired woman's mysteriously blonde and squinty-eyed mother had been watching a marathon on childbirth.

Amidst the screams and blood, the yelling baby had been at first a distraction when Vegeta finally paid attention to the scream. How anyone could go throw a thing, especially twice was a miracle of mental disease. And then one day, when no one was around, she found herself tampering with the TV and finally figuring out how to turn it on and change the channel.

At first she had laughed at the foolish females. On a planet that wasn't so backwards as to not have birth control, it seemed stupid to end up in this situation. Sure, the Saiyan race had their own way of dealing with unwanted children: sending them into backward planets with vague hopes that maybe they would die. But they were strong enough to withstand childbirth easily. These women…they were not.

Yet they still kept crapping out babies.

Vegeta could only shrug.

They weren't even cute. Misshapen, yelling, red-purple and squirting one disgusting juices, she couldn't imagine something more detestable. It was completely dependent on you, staring at you with creepy unblinking eyes that followed you across the room.

But when they were a little older, they weren't so absolutely terrible. Like that brat Kakarotte had. Pathetic and weak, as soft as his father, but he could occasionally put up a decent fight once in a great while. And if he hadn't turned into an Ozaru, Vegeta might have destroyed the planet. Sometimes, when he saw the brat staring at his father with a proud smile, she felt the smallest pang.

She of course couldn't imagine having one. All the Saiyans were dead, leaving her and…well. That moron. Who already had a mate that was dumb enough to put up with his stupidity. A third-class nothing of a warrior. It was just a shame that he was the only one left. If she thought about it, Vegeta couldn't imagine who would make less of a mate, Nappa and his fake hair, or the grinning idiot.

But watching that channel, she could find some grim acceptance with the urge to have offspring.

Now she saw another one of those babies in the grocery store. It was doing that staring thing. Weird. Its eyes followed Vegeta as he pulled down another bag of crisps. Like it was marking the woman with a dark round gaze.

Unsure what to do, she waved at it dumbly. It smiled.

She stared. It revealed a single tooth in a double layer of pink gums.

Sanity came back, making her turn awkward to the cart. There was still more items on the list, and if she left so much as a pickle out, there would be hell to pay in the form of losing her training chamber. Still, she found herself looking over her shoulder.

It was just there. Taking up space and existing. A tiny being that needed its mother and loved her dearly. One day it would grow to be a weak cockroach, but until then it was an even sadder, more endearing small human.

"I just want one of those," she wept. "Gods help me. But I want a child."

"Damn this weakness," Vegeta told herself. Pull it together. Ah. What's _wrong with you_! But her arms missed the sweet weight of the child and children she had never held, even when she had still had a planet with a birthing facility and machines and lines to push babies down to their proper station. 'A conveyor belt?' The blue earth woman had exclaimed in horror. 'Well, how else could we so easily move the children to their rightful place?' Her chest ached and nose dripped.

When she passed the woman at the checkout counter, she even found herself smiling stupidly at the baby, pulling a ridiculous face that made the baby weep and tears to rise to her own eyes. "For a pathetic Earth baby, he is very cute," she told the mother.

"It's a girl. Wait. What?"

Vegeta pushed the cart into the parking lot, sniffling. It was grey overhead, and she could smell rain in the air. Somehow, instead of cheering her and reminding the Princess of a childhood trip to some long forgotten named planet where it rained acid and took Nappa's wig right off, it only made her sadder. She could hear her childish laughter in her head, and wondered if she would ever hear such a noise from her own offspring.

What she needed more than potato chips, even the tangy barbeque ones, was a mate.

It couldn't be anyone, obviously. A warrior with veins of gold. She wouldn't settle for less. Except…there was no one left with such blood.

She had mourned and missed her great race, regretted their demise as it left her to do the bidding of Freiza. But even with her race, she had been different from them, held higher and apart. Never had she felt a huge closeness and familial attachment to the Saiyans. Even for her father. The only interest she had was sparring with them. She had found more interest in old legends of strength and greatness than any living being.

Now she realized she had been robbed the chance for a child.

Their dead race…No. Their _dying _race. The proud elite Saiyan breed might be almost dead, but the Saiyans lived on. Even that brat of Kakarotte had been able to grow a tail with the weakened blood of a third-class moron and a human female. They would not die without a fight.

No, the Saiyans did not go out with a weak bang of slowly dying out. She would do her best to procreate and continue the line. All she needed was a mate.

A warrior mate.

She gathered the bags; mind still lost as she trudged hard and absently kicked a man staring at her chest with a leering look in his dim eyes. A warrior mate, yes. Someone who could fight and put up a challenge. There went all the fighters on this planet.

Who had been the strongest out of the beings here?

It began to rain.

The scarred fool with the inspiration speech had died quickly, and by the Saibamen. Definitely not him. Thank the gods. Besides, Vegeta had no urge to fight with the other woman for him.

The Namek was genderless, and Vegeta refused to even think about him for more than three seconds with this topic.

Humans. Yes. Sad as it was, one of them had to be the sire of her child.

The three-eyed being? He _was _tall, Vegeta allowed. But he awoke memories of Nappa, and for all his determination, still weak. And the Saiyan had no urge to allow her infant anywhere near that clown midget.

Midget. Oh. No. Not him.

…It would be easy, she allowed again, finding herself as flexible in her thoughts as she was in her fighting. She had seen him gazing at her, sometimes with a blush, and aside from trying to stab her; he had been relative easy for her to get along with. He had survived for a time on Namek, and she couldn't rightfully begrudge his death since she had passed before him and by the same being hands. He wouldn't argue with her too often, and would probably buy her food, and could possibly spar with Vegeta to make them both stronger.

Still. Standards had to be held. He was much too short, even for her. And that voice. What if her child inherited his voice? And those wide eyes, to follow her across the room? The lack of nose? Still…Vegeta sighed, hating her life.

He would go into the 'maybe' pile.

At least now she had narrowed what she wanted, marginally. Someone tall, not with an awful voice, that wouldn't argue with her needlessly, strong enough to put up a fight.

The grocery bags fell out of her numb hands. Food spilled out onto the damp cement. Vegeta could only look up towards the weeping sky. "Not him."

"Not him!"

"_NOT HIM_!"

* * *

"Thank god you got the mustard." Was all Bulma said to her.

Until Vegeta dropped the bags and followed the woman.

"What?" she asked, looking behind her at the woman with the peculiarly spiked hair. She continued walking through the house, while Vegeta followed.

"I have a question I want you to answer."

"Well, that's nice. I won't, of course."

"You will answer my question." Vegeta grabbed her arm and dragged her right back.

"No tugging!"

"What is the state between Kakarotte and his wife?"

"What? What kind of question is that?"

"Are they still mating?"

Bulma squirted mustard all over her hot dog and the table. "Oh god. What's wrong with you?"

"That's not an answer."

"That's not a question!" She slammed the yellow bottle onto the table and sent more drops into the air. "Why are you even asking? Are you trying to see if Chi-Chi is single? Going to ask her out?"

The blue-haired scientist took an angry bite of her hotdog, smearing mustard onto her face.

"No." Sweat broke out over Vegeta's angular forehead. "I was just…curious."

"Well, I guess they're still together. I'm surprised she doesn't throw him out of the house._ I_ wouldn't put up with being with a guy that's constantly gone like that."

"Oh. Alright." Her voice was cautious.

"Why? Come on, tell me." Bulma held up a hand. "I swear not to tell anyone. This is just girl's talk. Like Girl's Night Out."

"That was horrible."

"Maybe. But I'm held to a code of honor that forbids me from telling anyone."

"Just because we're both females?"

"Yes," Bulma winked. "Plus maybe later you'll let me put some mascara?"

"No. But I will hold you to not saying anything. If you do," Vegeta stared at the untrustworthy human. "I'll kill you."

"Sure, sure."

She started to tell her about the supermarket, pausing to let Bulma finish laughing, and then telling her about wanting to have a baby. After Bulma stopped wiping the tears of glee from her eyes, she concluded by informing her of her choices.

"Ha-hah-aha-ha-hah-hah-ah, you want to have a baby with Krillin!"

"I only said he was a backup!"

Bulma slapped her hands on the table, in a puddle of congealing condiment. "No, no, you want to have a baby with Goku!"

"Bwah-hah-aha-hah-ah."

"I'll get you for this."

As soon as Vegeta disappeared from view, Bulma threw herself at the phone. "I have to warn Chi-Chi," she said, her determined voice ringing through the air.

"This is going to be so funny!"

"That Vegeta's a strange woman," the blonde squinty-eyed woman finally spoke up to the room that now only contained the responsible adults.

"Yes, he is," Capsule Corp's creator nodded his shaggy head. "Pass the mustard."

* * *

The woman was suspiciously polite. "So, Vegeta, why are you here?

"Goku won't be back for some time, I hope you know.

"So why aren't you out looking for him?"

Vegeta sipped her tea, decided not to mention that it tasted like the tail of a dead Vaccuum, a race that she no doubt had never heard of. It would just lead into her having to tell the dark-haired woman about how she'd slaughtered all of them, and that put humans on edge. Every time she would speak of her conquests at the domed building, by the end the table would be empty of weak-stomached humans. The blue-haired woman would yell at her through the bathroom door in-between being sick.

"You said Kakarotte would be back. Therefore I won't go searching for him."

"Alright," Eyes as black as her own narrowed. The Saiyan was surprised by the odd empathy she felt for this creature. They didn't look dissimilar; something that might work to her advantage when it came to bedding that third-rate simpleton. Plus she had birthed a baby and mated with Kakarotte, so was the de facto expert on the subject. Vegeta did her best to remain gracious.

"Uh," She was not meant for diplomacy, as Freiza had so often reminded her. "How have you been?"

The eyes became smaller. "…fine. Thank you."

"That's good."

"Is it?"

"Yes."

"Why are you here?"

Vegeta played with the spoon in her mug. Only hope and the warmth it brought kept her continuing. He was the only Saiyan male left. "You and Kakarotte and fine. He performs his marital duties?"

The other woman just stared at her, mouth open.

"You continue to mate? You don't have any more children though?" Did that mean she was done procreating with him? Was he free?

"Well, he just got back after three years…I don't have to tell you anything!"

"I was curious."

Perhaps she looked too deeply and forlornly into her glass, because Chi-Chi became uncomfortable. She shifted in her seat. "I don't suppose you have anyone in mind to…" The mother seemed to force herself to continue as Vegeta had done.

"To start a family?"

"Oh, well…"

Chi-Chi clapped her hands together, looking suddenly delighted. "Good for you." There were practically stars in her eyes. "Who's the lucky man."

"I have two in mind. One is a backup, however," Vegeta explained.

"What?"

She leaned in closer to the woman. "I have been hoping to have a child."

"So Bulma wasn't just lying and making garbage up as a joke!"

"Damn her."

"I'm not letting you get anywhere near my Goku."

"He's the last Saiyan male." Vegeta stood up. "Believe me, I don't want this anymore than you do."

"Really?"

"Yes."

"I've seen the way you look at him with those harlot eyes!"

"I would never willingly fornicate with that idiot."

"Don't use the word fornicate."

"I just want to have a full blooded Saiyan child. He and I are the last of our species. If we do not have offspring, the Saiyan race will die off."

"Good riddance. If they were anything like you, we're better off."

She could feel a blood vessel threatening to pop.

"Understand me woman. I need a strong warrior mate to sire my child."

"Ask someone else! Someone that isn't married! How about Krillin? He's single. Nice guy. Would make a good dad."

"Not him."

"Look, I can't entirely blame you for wanting Goku. He's adorable. That's just a fact. But he's _my _husband."

"I don't wish to marry him. I don't want to be bonded that idiot."

"You just want his baby."

"It will be my child. I just need his seed."

"That's disgusting. I can't believe you just said that."

"You can be there to participate. All I need of him is five minutes of his time. He has nothing better to do. I'm stronger than him anyway, no matter how hard he trains."

Chi-Chi just laughed. "Sure little woman. Sure."

"I just want to have a baby."

"Yeah, that's sweet. Especially coming from you. But you want Goku to do it."

"He's the only Saiyan left! And he's a shitty one, at that! But he's the only one."

"You've been spending a lot of time around Bulma," she sounded philosophical.

"I know!" Vegeta slammed her fist down, hard enough to create a crack in the table. "If I had a child though, I could avoid her."

"Yeah, she's not a big fan of kids." Chi-Chi admitted.

"She would eat her young."

The laughter from the other woman was a good sign. "So can I use Kakarotte? I just need his seed."

"Stop using that word!"

"I need it!"

"Yeah, well, we both know that you're not going to be able to seduce him, for a host of reasons. So you'll need my permission."

"May I have it then?"

"No! You'll get it when Hell freezes over!"

"Hell already has ice in it."

"Get out!"

* * *

The human underestimated Vegeta. They always did.

Sometimes it made her wonder if she really was getting soft. Did they forget how easily and quickly she had murdered some of the strongest fighters here, and only Kakarotte had put in a decent fight?

It saddened here that they felt they were all equals.

She easily lifted the window with little noise, hosting the device carefully while she slid in through the opening. You could hear Kakarotte's snoring halfway down the forest, but she was still relieved to see his bulky form taking up most of the bed. The black hair stuck up in every direction, awake or asleep, and the Saiyan shuddered to imagine her baby with the same hair.

Vegeta made a mental note to thank Bulma for this crude solution. It would solve everything. The human female might even thank her for this ingenuity.

But no. No one ever thanked Vegeta.

She crept to Kakarotte's unconscious body, trying to find some lust for the pale body. All she did was feel a faint revulsion and an urge to stab him. The woman had never considered herself to have a real type, but found herself more attracted to the other female than the huge snoring idiot. Even the way he slept was stupid.

It actually made her more interested in him, by hating him and wanting to dig her fingers into his eyes until his eyes ran down her hands like rotting eggs. Scratch him until he screamed for her to stop, but of course she would not. She would just yell back for him to finish already so she could beat him up and make him cry even more.

Easily, she crept over so swiftly the floorboards didn't squeak under her weight. Grimly, with purpose, Vegeta pulled away the blankets to reveal his foolish striped underwear. Using the tips of her fingers, she pulled the fabric aside and made a face visible even in the darkness of disgust. It was loose and disgusting looking, pink and uncircumcised and further sign of what a low born wretch he was.

Touching it took all her strength, and she squeezed it and looked away. Pretended she was torturing a Tuub creature, with its soft eyes that gaped out to touch their clavicles. Yeah. That's what she was doing. Ripping out its eyes.

Somehow, it was the woman who awoke, not the man. Vegeta's opinion of Kakarotte dropped lower, as low as she wished she'd dropped to avoid the other female's sleepy gaze.

"Vegeta? What are you doing?"

"What's your hand doing?"

"Is that a…IS THAT A TURKEY BASTER!"

The male Saiyan finally awoke. "Turkey? Turkey?"

Chi-Chi shoved him with all her strength to absolutely no effect. "It's the troll woman. Get rid of her."

He still sounded out of it. "Who's touching me? Chi-Chi? When did your hands get all gross like that?"

"Okay," the human threw her hands up. "This is officially insane."

"I just need him for five minutes!" Vegeta roared back.

"Fine! You know what! You want a baby? You can have a screaming, eating machine that destroys everything!"

She jumped up, shoving the blankets and sheets to the ground. "Let's do this."

"Do what? Hey, Vegeta, you mind…?"

Vegeta snapped, punching him. "You stupid fuck."

"Yeah, that's right!" Chi-Chi's hair was a disaster, looking like a bird had nested in it before contacting rabies and killing her young. "You deal with his stupidity. You see how he is as a dad!"

"Hey, what's going on?"

"I don't want him as a father! He just needs to come in this!" Vegeta brandished the turkey baster. "Then I'll leave."

"Oh no." The black hair fell wildly into her crazed eyes. "You deal with all of this." She motioned to Goku. "It's part of motherhood!"

"But…I don't want that part."

"Too bad."

"What are you guys talking about?"

"You," she turned on the simpleton. "Get naked."

"But Vegeta's here."

"Oh. Now you're shy about nudity. Like everyone hasn't seen to going skinny dipping. You and Krillin and Yamcha. Then wrestling naked in the mud."

"But it's different."

"Goku," she kissed him and looked into the big vacant eyes. "You need to get naked and have sex with Vegeta."

"What? No way!"

"She wants a baby."

"She can get one somehow else! Just do what my Grandpa did and find a baby in the woods."

"Goku, we've had this discussion. Babies don't just fall from the trees and sky."

"I did!"

"You _didn't_!"

"Is stupidity genetic?" Vegeta asked aloud. "Because I'm rethinking things. The midget didn't strike me near as stupid as this. He is aware of where babies come from?"

"You and Chaotzu are having a kid? Wow."

Vegeta reached over before she knew it to attempt to strangle the other last remaining Saiyan.

"Goku, just listen to me. You like kids, don't you?"

"Yeah, of course I do!"

"Don't you want Vegeta to have one?"

"Uuhhh."

"You do. So just have a little…sex with Vegeta."

Goku was somehow the most offending and revolted person in the room. "What? No. No way."

"Yes, way, Kakarotte."

Together, they grabbed and wrestled with the Saiyan, stripping him of his underwear, dignity, and only breaking a single lamp in the process.

"Don't you want to pass on your strong muscles and handsome face?"

"Eh. I _guess_."

"Alright then," she turned to Vegeta. "Lay down."

"Uh, woman, I-"

"Just do it."

"Fine."

"Now get on top of her, Goku."

So he did, and nearly crushed the other Saiyan to death. Vegeta and Chi-Chi had to shove his dead weight off.

"You said lay on her!"

"Not kill her!"

"Okay." She rubbed her forehead. "You need to get excited. Think about me. Think about cinnamon rolls."

"Those are two awesome things," Goku allowed. Then his gaze drifted to Vegeta. "But I don't think it's going to help."

"Fine. Come here." Like it was another chore, she took Goku's penis in her hand and began touching him with remarkably more skill than Vegeta had shown.

"I feel like a piece of meat," Goku sighed out.

"You are."

"Okay, how's that?"

Goku looked down and shrugged the broad shoulders. Vegeta was afraid to look. "Ehh. I guess it'll do."

Goku turned around to face Vegeta. Vegeta finally looked. "Oh god. Can't you use the turkey baster?"

"Can I?" He turned to Chi-Chi, hopeful.

"No, Goku."

"Aw."

She just braced herself when Goku lied back down on her. The heavy warm fucking _baseball bat_ like that scarred human swung around was being pushed between her legs. "Let's rethink things. Please?"

"Can we?"

"No, Goku."

"Aw."

"Just finish up and we can go back to bed."

"Sounds good," Goku yawned. He shoved himself into her, while Vegeta gasped and dug her hands into his neck and shoulders.

"Kakarotte, you bastard freak."

"Whatever you say. Hey, Vegeta?"

"WHAT?"

"Can I name the baby?"

"FINE!"

"I hope Gohan doesn't here any of this."

"Go faster."

The Saiyan man shrugged again, disinterested. His cow gaze was moving to the window. "Wow. Looks like it might rain tomorrow."

"_Come on_! She's not going to get knocked up _that_ way!"

Goku was rolling his eyes, humping her with even less life.

"You were certainly more energetic on our honeymoon. When you didn't even know what sex was."

"That's not true." His hips were still bumping against Vegeta's. "I had seen animals mating. Especially those one monkeys. Man, did they go at it. All the time. With everything. I just didn't know people did that. I expected better of them." The last words were said under his breath.

"Well, alright then." Chi-Chi let the subject go. "Hurry up."

"Oh. Now you_ want_ me to hurry up."

Vegeta was nearly crying. "I hate you both."

Goku warned her, "You better get pregnant from this. Because I'm not doing it again."

"Well, you're doing it until she gets pregnant, Goku."

"Aw, Chi-Chi."

"I thought this would be more interesting. More frantic," Vegeta spoke to herself. "More like animals."

"Yeah, like pandas."

"I'm hungry."

Chi-Chi sighed and gave Vegeta a commiserating look over Goku. "I'll make you a sandwich."

Goku continued to complain. And he slowed to a stop completely as soon as Chi-Chi left. "Man, my back is starting to hurt.

"Boy, I sure am going to be tired tomorrow unless I get some more sleep.

"I wonder what Chi-Chi's making?"

Vegeta just looked up at the ceiling. "Well, she said she was making a sandwich, nitwit."

"But what _kind_, Vegeta?"

"I don't know," she admitted.

"I hope it has pickles in it!"

Chi-Chi finally came back. Goku immediately started to thrust himself against the other Saiyan, trying not to look too guilty. She handed him the sandwich, and looked at the shorter woman with pity.

Vegeta just tried to avoid eye contact with either of them. Something slimy and damp fell onto her face and breasts.

"Goku, Goku, either eat faster or put the sandwich down."

"Wha?"

"You're dripping mustard and mayonnaise onto Vegeta."

"What? Oh, sorry, man."

She just handed the slice of pickle to Kakarotte and wondered if after this, when she killed herself, would she get into Heaven for having gone through this? Or still Hell? Vegeta was starting to put her money on Heaven, when Goku asked Chi-Chi to rub his back.

"Come on, Chi, it hurts."

"Maybe we can try a different position," Vegeta suggested, breathlessly disappointed.

"Okay, this is just sad."

"Kakarotte, would you stop eating."

"What?"

"You're spilling crumbs onto my hair. And cheese. Oh god, the cheese."

"Wha?"

"It's in my _eyes,_ you moron."

The human woman was rubbing her forehead. "Okay." She turned her back on them both, as though so disgusted she could no longer stand to even watch them. It honestly shocked Vegeta when she began undressing.

Naked, she crawled into bed with them both. The Saiyan male's eyes couldn't leave the sight. More mustard spilled onto Vegeta's face. "Oh, Goku, you got mayonnaise on the sheets again."

"Jeez, Chi-Chi, I almost forgot how beautiful you are."

"Aw, thank you."

"It's just that Vegeta reminded me how amazing you are. How lucky I am to be with you."

"You fucking moose."

"I think you're beautiful too, Goku."

"Thanks."

"Moose's, both of you."

"Shh," Goku whispered. "You're only making this more difficult for me." He had only eyes for her.

"Oh, Goku, you make me feel so perfect when you look at me like that."

"You _are_ perfect, Chi-Chi."

"If you hurry and finish," she waved a dismissive hand at Vegeta. "Then maybe we can have another baby too."

"Really?" He raised his eyebrows. His hair moved slightly out of time with the rest of him. "That's a pretty big decision. But yeah, I'd like a baby."

"Do you think it will be a girl, or boy?"

Goku tenderly touched her stomach. "I sorta hope it's a girl."

"No one we know has a girl," she said thoughtfully. "That would be nice. Maybe she won't even be interested in fighting?"

"Oh, I think she will be. She has you as a mom, doesn't she?"

"Sometimes, you're just so sweet."

"Just sometimes?"

They both laughed.

"I'll murder the both of you for this."

"Oh, yeah. Vegeta."

"I have an idea." The saucy tone in her voice made Goku look at her with drugged lust, and Vegeta roll her eyes. She crossed her arms and waited.

"How about you take turns?" Chi-Chi lied down besides Vegeta. Goku launched himself at his wife.

"Fine, just make sure he finishes in the baster, or in me." She counted the knots on the wooden bed post, then the thread count on her side of the bed. Simple arithmetic allowed her to know the rest of the number. "Not even hundred thread count? Really?"

The Saiyan was tall enough to be embedded in his wife, lying on her side. "Right there, right there." Her hands were grabbed the bed post for support while he pounded into her. The other woman winced sympathetically.

"Want me to turn Super Saiyan?"

"Oh yeah, you make such a hot blonde."

"That's desecration of a legacy-"

The waved of gold that enveloped Goku upset the sheets and made them fly further from the bed. Another crumb of cheese or bread was flung into Vegeta's eye.

"Harder. Right there."

"Yeah. Yeah."

"I love your chest."

"I love yours."

When Vegeta's vision came back, Chi-Chi was grabbing the gold hair that stuck straight up. "You look so bad, Goku. Like such a _hoodlum_."

"All I need is that leather jacket you bought me, right?"

"Oh, yeaaah."

"I can teleport to get it."

"Don't you dare move."

Vegeta found a half-eaten pickle slice under the pillow and snacked on it. "Hurry up. I'm tired of watching you two."

"Okay, Goku." His mate slapped him across the ass like a herding animal. "Finish up and then you can finish me off."

All the air left Vegeta's lung when Goku flung himself back onto the Saiyan. "Let's have a baby, Veggie."

"Don't call me that."

He kissed her breasts, ignoring the sound of disgust and shock. "These things are going to feed the baby. Poor baby's going to go hungry."

"Stop_ licking_ that!"

Chi-Chi was touching him again, rubbing his chest and his own nipples. Then slapping his ass and telling him to fuck her harder, really give it to her like the golden stallion he was. That's all he was, after all, just an animal. An animal meant for sex and nothing more. He was just here to pleasure woman, with his mouth, his thick cock.

Vegeta wanted to cover her ears.

For the brat in the next room's sake, he hoped that the child was so deep into sleep that he was nearly catatonic.

A hand slipped down to touch the apex between her legs, making her squeak. "Stop that."

But they did not.

"Come on, Veggie, just enjoy it."

"You two are insane. Crazy spiders. Wrapping me in a web of madness."

They just laughed.

"Don't lick that!"

"Just enjoy this, Veg." Chi-Chi was sucking on her husband's chest, hand going down to stroke the man's balls and what little of that 'thick cock' wasn't in Vegeta.

"I can't."

"Okay, okay, I think I'm going to…yeah, just give me a second. Any second now I'll be done. Wait. Okay…"

* * *

Nine months later, Bulma was cutting the umbilical cord. "This is amazing," she screamed at the doctors, nurses, and a shrieking Vegeta. Blood had splattered seemingly everything, like an alien horror movie. Which in a way it was.

"I can't believe I'm doing this!

"It's awful!"

She was the first person to hold the baby, her face shining with tears of exhilaration and amazement. The blue-haired woman took the baby, holding it up to the camera and tripod she had set up to wordlessly screech her delight over his existence. Her yelling blocked out the baby's.

After her to hold the infant were Choatzu, and then Yamcha and Tien and Krillin. The group crowded around the room, bringing with them balloons and stuffed animals.

"This is amazing."

"Isn't it?"

They gazed down at him. "I can't believe _Vegeta _had a baby."

"Make sure she doesn't eat him, okay, Bulma."

"Man," Krillin gushed. "I wish I had one of these!"

"Give it a half hour of him screaming, and you'll change your mind."

"I'm so glad I got it all on tape," Bulma was gazing down at the infant, noses nearly touched. "I can't wait to embarrass you with the video of your birth.

"And I'm going to make sure I get photos of you growing up. All those humiliating scenes, saved for your friends."

"Look at his tiny fingers."

"Aw, look at him sleeping."

"I can't wait to put him in some of those adorable outfits."

When Vegeta started to shift and moan in her bed, Bulma sent them away. "She's already a mess without seeing you guys."

The warrior was so gone on medication that she couldn't raise her head. "Bulma?"

"Aw, you said my name." She took a hold of the Saiyan's hand and squeezed her fingers. "It's okay now."

"The baby…"

"He's fine. Strong. Has a tail. Looks disturbingly like neither of you."

"Good, good," she whispered, wondering now why that weirdly shaped plant was talking about her son. Why hadn't anyone trimmed its leaves?

"Is it okay if I name him before Chi-Chi pulls more Go-shit?"

"Yes, just don't give him any poison ivy."

"…sure."

So Bulma crept away from the drugged helpless woman to talk to a nurse, leaving the Saiyan to find out only much later when confronted with forms to sign that the scientist had truly gotten the final laugh of all of them. "What do you mean, his name is '_Trunks'_?"

"What kind of retarded nonsense is this?"


End file.
